It’s high time now for Hindus to be secular

It is high time now, for us Hindus to consider the ways and means of becoming the first class citizens of this country that will be shortly re-christened as Indaly, aka Indabia. In fact, the method is so simple that I wonder why our intellectual friends never bothered to guide us for it. Of course we cannot blame them as they are always busy correcting us of all our faults, mistakes and non-secularism. That’s the point, yes, secularism. We must become SECULAR! We can be the super civilians of this ‘globalized’ country in a jiffy. So simple!  Right?

Since we know the destination now, it is only a question of selecting the route. In reality, to reach there, not one or two, but a minimum of four major, easy to traverse, passageways are available. You are free to choose any of them. Each route comes with an in-built guarantee that it will take safely to your salvation (I mean destination).

Nevertheless, it is always better to compare them and do an informed selection rather than a blind choice. So let us have a closer look at each of them.

1.       Take the Islamic route:

  a) If some body anywhere or somewhere draws or plans to draw a cartoon vaguely can be made to link to Hinduism, go to the nearest temple for the Morning Prayer, collect as many Hindus as possible, enter the busiest street in a procession, block all peak hour traffic and make the maximum nuisance of you. At the end of the procession or when you get bored of all the slogan shouting, burn everything in sight, if necessary your house also, till the media come to interview and photograph you. After that you go home (if you have burnt it, go to one of your well-wishers’ homes, have a nice lunch and a peaceful sleep. From that point onwards media would take over more enthusiastically than you. It is the first step for you to become a secular leader.)

b) Demand free bus pass or train pass as required, for going to any temple or pilgrim centre with all the members of your extended family and neighbours. Don’t forget to remind the government that it is your birth right as a member of the minority religion, please don’t ask me how Hindus have become a minority now. They are; if compared to all the Christians and Muslims in this planet Earth, together or separately, Hindus are of such a small number, crores and crores less than them. Not convinced? Go and please refresh your primary school Arithmetic. Before you’re going, I can give you one more reason also that Hindus are Minority. That is, for a free lunch, any argument is a fair argument. With this, you are almost there as a secular citizen.

c) Urge the government to amend the Hindu Marriage Act to allow us to have unlimited number of spouses. Quote liberally from Puranas, starting from Sri Krishna and Pandava stories. Tell them that, it is the only way to increase the population so that we can become the majority religion in the world. Once we achieve that, government need not continue giving us free lunches. Because, at that time we can think of some other ludicrous argument. Now, nobody can deny you a seat at the secular table.
(Note: Conversion to Islam is not a must at the end of the path, but advisable).

2.     Take the Christian route: 

 a) You ask anybody who can manage to read and write, to write a film script based on a yet to be ‘invented’ historical truth (that is a special type of truth), that is, Sri Rama was actually born, not in Ayodhya, but somewhere in Mexico . If we approach any of our friendly neighbourhood comrades, they will undertake the project happily. Then make a film with the help of some obscure director/producer duo.  Leak the story in advance. Now repeat the step (a) given in the Islamic route explained above.

b) Ask the government to give free grant to all the temples, whether they are old, new, make-shift or roofless, for maintaining all the rituals, ceremonies and festivities till the world comes to an end.

c) Pressurize the government to bring in a law to convert all non-Hindus to Hindus, if anytime during their family ancestral history, had existed a Hindu link.  And insist that to make it compulsory to convert all foreigners into Hinduism, if they happen to stay in this country for more than one year. 

(Note: Conversion to Christianity is not a must at the end of the path, but may become necessary.) After this, you may be even appointed as the chief adviser to the Super PM on all secular matters.

3.     Take the Communist route: This is a slightly difficult route. First we have to become an intellectual. That is the most difficult step. I can only suggest that you approach the local party office which all the non-working comrades consider as their main home, and choose a willing Guru (sorry, the correct term is ideologue) to train you. During the probationary period, you have to pretend that you are great intellectual by word, attire and behaviour. Question everything under and over the sun including God, except communism. Quote profusely from Marxism/Leninism. You need not worry about the correctness of the quotes, because nobody is going to verify, least of all the comrades since many of them do not understand their strange lingo. One advantage of this route is, though your friends and relatives may try to take you forcibly to the nearest lunatic asylum, the media and the government take you very seriously. The cost of maintaining the façade too is not expensive. Only that you have to fix a permanent forlorn look on your face (it may strain your facial muscles for some time, but you may get used to it), wear a dirty Joobba, carry a dog-eaten shoulder bag, and have always with you a book written by some obscure westerner and was never read by any sane person. 

 (Note: Conversion to Communism is a must at the end of the path, otherwise we cannot practice communism, as per the law of intellectual rights according to the Chinese Constitution. Don’t ask me how this Chinese constitution is coming to picture. It will be crystal clear once you become a communist.)

4.     Take the Globalized Hindu route:

     The most natural and somewhat easier route for a Hindu. Denounce anything remotely connected to Hinduism as superstition and non sense. Support Christians and Muslims on all issues, especially if the issue is related to Hinduism. Do every thing in your capacity to hurt Hindu beliefs. For this there are many Gurus available in the Political market. Two of the top varieties are the followers of the Lions (English translation of Singhs), that is, Arjun Singh and V.P. Singh.

(Note: The most original route and no conversion at the end of the path. But at the end, there is a slight possibility that you may end up in a place named by pagans as ‘Trishanku Swarga.)

Take my advice, follow any or all the above and be happy till the last Hindu becomes an epitaph. Good bye, as I am going underground from now.

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