An Ode to Quattrocchi- Satire

published on July 15, 2013

Ottavio Quattrocchi, Personal Friend and Benefactor of Sonia Gandhi and Rajiv Gandhi and their extended family in two continents died in Milan on , Saturday, 13th July 2013. It will be a great relief for the Firangi Memsahib, Italian-born widow of the Bofors Chor Rajiv Gandhi. I was asking the question what kind of tribute would be most suitable to the departed soul from the Firangi Memsahib’s point of view.

In my view, this would be the most appropriate tribute to Ottavio Quattrocchi who bestrode the corridors of power in South Block and North Block in the Central Secretariat in New Delhi for nearly 25 years from 1970. Let us hear the imagined tribute of the Firangi Memsahib. Limitations of the print media prevent me from reproducing the Italian accented English of the Firangi Memsahib:

The Light has gone out of my life and my extended Family here and in my beloved Italy and there is darkness everywhere. I said the light has gone out and yet I was wrong. For the light that shone in Italy and India and indeed in any part of the world (Argentina and Malaysia not excluded!) where there is an unchecked and unfettered Rule and Reign of GRAFTOCRACY — Government of Graft, By Graft and for Graft — WAS NO ORDINARY LIGHT. It was an Extraordinary Light that gave me and My Family untold and unearned wealth and affluence — and of course terrestrial comfort — for more than Three Decades, drawing my Italian Family from the abysmal depths of deprivation. We mourn him; we shall always mourn him because we are human and can never forget our inimitable Benefactor and the never-ending CATARACT OF MONEY he showered on us with such force and magnanimity of soul and spirit, making me the Fourth Richest Political Leader in the World.

As the Chairman of the UPA Coordination Committee, I shall see to it that the Government of India creates a separate Ghat on the banks of the River Yamuna in New Delhi to be called the ‘Q’ GHAT. The life and message of my immortal friend ‘Q’ will gleam and glow through the eternal gloom of India for timeless centuries.

Taking cue from the matchless eloquence of the Firangi Memsahib, who read out with unconcealed emotion the above message from a piece of paper in a hastily convened Press Conference at No: 10, Janpath in New Delhi. The ever shaking Quaker Dr Manmohan Singh held an immediate Cabinet Meeting at his Official Residence and inaudibly mumbled the following Policy Decisions to immortalize the name and fame of Ottavio Quattrocchi, the great benefactor of the Firangi Memsahib Sonia Gandhi and her half-breed Family in India and distant Italy:

A. The President of India would be advised to confer upon SHRI OTTAVIO QUATTROCCHI-Ji the Highest Civilian Award of Bharat Ratna. This Award would be given posthumously to Shri Ottavio Quattrocchi-ji at a massive function to be organized at a cost of Rs 1,000 Crores on Ram Lila Grounds on the eve of Christmas in December 2013.

B. The Contract for organizing the massive Award Function would be awarded to any one of the close family members of the Family of the Respected Chairman of the UPA Coordination Committee. Immediate follow up action will be taken by the Union Cabinet Secretary in consultation with Shri Robert Vadra, one among the Millions and Millions of Private Citizens in India.

C. A Massive Commemorative Postage Stamp (2’ x 2’) will be issued by the Department of Posts to honour the sacred memory of Shri Ottavio Quattrocchi-ji.

D. The Union Home Minister will issue necessary instructions to the CBI to celebrate the 13th of July — the day on which Shri Ottavio Quattrocchi-ji died in Milan, Italy —- every year as FINANCIAL PROBITY DAY in all the CBI Offices in the country.

E. The New Delhi Railway Terminal would be renamed as Quattrocchi Railway Terminal.

F. The National Council of Educational Research and Training (NCERT) should take immediate action to include, in all the School Text Books, a Chapter on Shri Ottavio Quattrocchi-ji and his qualities of Head and Heart which made him an inseparable member of the First Family of India. The Director of NCERT should take due care and caution to consult the Respected Chairman of the UPA Coordination Committee before finalizing this Chapter.

G. A new University called the Shri Ottavio Quattrocchi University of Global Commerce will be established in Rae Baraeli Constituency with 40% Reservation for Minorities, and 10% Reservation for the Children of Officers and Staff in the CBI who worked in a heroic and selfless manner to make Shri Ottavio Quattrocchi-ji triumph all the time amidst innumerable legal odds and insuperable court-room difficulties across many Countries and Continents. Government of Italy and the Government of Belgium will be approached for contributing eminent faculties of Teaching Staff from their respective countries.

The Moral of the Story:

The ‘Q’uality of Bofors Bribe is not strained.
It is twice-Blessed.
It Blesseth HIM that gives.
It Blesseth HER that takes.
HAIL Quattrocchi Bribe!
Triumphant Yesterday!
Triumphant Today!
May not be For Ever and Ever!
NaMo Bharat!

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